My ass has taken quite a pounding over the years…..wait…

Damn Paparazzo! I had no idea that guy was watching me this morning

There really is nothing like bustin your ass on the ice. Especially when you’re me. Every time my girl leaves the house, I become my mother. “Baby, be careful on the ice. It’s really slippery.” She looks at me in that goyish “bitch stop worrying” sort of way and that’s that.

So it’s only fitting that while trying to bring her Thera-flu and orange juice this morning (well more like 1 pm, but I DJ til 4 am on Friday nights) I would meet my demise. I was unquestionably groggy when I left the house, but I still refuse to take blame for this fall. I blame God first and foremost, and secondly, the late Gerald Ford.

When I stepped down off my front stairs I thought, “wow the ice is turning soft, I think I can take a normal step.” What happened next is hard to recall. All I know is I ended up grabbing my hip and yelling “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” I reached for the emergency call thingy around my neck but it didn’t exist. I immediately looked around to see if the chicks across the street happened to be outside watching and laughing. They weren’t there. So I moved on to the pain. It wasn’t a sharp pain as much as it was total shock and me losing my breath.

The other day my best friend asked me the last time I cried over pain (that doesn’t include emmotional pain caused by girls or the death of Optimus Prime). I thought about that question as I laid on the ice, watching the tupperware filled with chicken and barley slide under my roommates Civic. My mother’s delicious homemade blondies (also intended for my girlfriend) were strewn about the street about 20 feet from the tupperware. My sidekick was in the middle of the street. My pride? I have no pride. I had very little before the slip, and none after. I felt like Tim Hardaway on Thursday morning. I felt like Britney Spears when she got out of the salon earlier today. I felt like a fat jew who slipped and busted his ass on the ice. My ass hurts…pause