Review: Rocky Balboa

I have now gotten multiple complaints about this review being a “spoiler”, but I’m sorry–Rocky movies don’t have spoilers. In this case there really is no spoiler, BUT be warned, I do refer to what happens at the end of the film. Proceed with caution….
I really don’t understand movie critics. I have never fully grasped what they’re looking for when they watch movies. Nonetheless, though, I read their stupid reviews and actually seem to listen to their stupid oppinions. So you can imagine my disappointment, when I sat down as a true Rocky fan, and watched the last installment, Rocky Balboa.

I guess the gushing reviews were written by people who when it comes down to it, are not “Rocky Fans”. A true “Rocky Fan” ranks the Rocky series as follows :

There’s nothing gay about hugging your ripped sweaty best friend on a glorious morning on the beach1. Rocky

2. Rocky IV

3. Rocky II

4. Rocky III *

5. Rocky V

* The order of positions 3 and 4 can really be reversed–it’s a personal preference.

At this point I would slide Rocky Balboa between Rocky III and V–making it the second worst Rocky flick. And it pains me to say that. I mean believe me, I was praying for a classic. I was at the Taylor-Hopkins fight at Mandalay Bay last year where they filmed Rocky’s entrance to the fight and when I found out I was going to be a fan in a Rocky fight scene, I was in heaven. Since that night, I have been counting down to the release of Rocky Balboa.

The ads looked great, the reviews were great, and Sly seemed really amped about this one which in turn made me amped! As it turns out—it was all a waste. This movie is flawed in a million different ways, ranging from a storyline and relationships built off of tenuous relationships from the orginal to the glorious ending of an aging Rock proving himself once again by losing a split decision in an exhibition to a chubby uncharasmatic and not remotely scary (think the ANTI Clubber Lang) champion (played by Antonio Tarver–not a bad actor by the way–just a bad character). Ummm–that doesn’t cut it for me.

Burt Young is as mean and drunk a Paulie as we’ve come to expect and Sly is pretty good as Grampy Rocko, but beyond some sweet Adrian flashbacks (Rocky and Adrian’s love affair IS among the great on-screen romances of ALL TIME)–the movie dragged. Do yourself a favor– (and it pains me to say this but…) skip Rocky Balboa and buy the new special edition of the original Rocky–cuz this flick is really just homage to the original anyway.